Vegan Democracy Sausages: for the people… but hopefully not made of the people… #snagvotes #soylentgreen?

Vegan MoFo
Week 4: 21st-27th November 2016 Memories & Traditions
22nd: Silly food – What are some silly food traditions/memories you have?

DEMOCRACY SAUSAGES.
Content warning: strong language and silliness.

When I was a kid, primary school fetes and fairs were the domain of the gourmet af “sausage on a piece of bread” but that traditional classy food seems to have shifted to polling booths on election days.

In recent times, a website for locating Democracy Sausages has emerged and it has a function to help find polling booths that have vegetarian options! In Australia, democracy is for everyone, even filthy vegan socialists.

The western shift towards fascism and humouring bullshit-spewing fascist/capitalist asshats has been getting a lot of my friends down… and fair enough, too. Being a hypocritical, nasty fuckwit with the worst hair implants of all time is not okay. For tips on insulting your less-than-illustrious political leaders, and I know some places in the world are less familiar with this concept, please consider viewing these Australian demonstrations for beginners: “dickhead” and “bunch of wankers

If you think capitalism doesn’t work – hell, if you think democracy doesn’t work because the free market is a violent class war being waged against middle-to-lower classes by the filthy rich – remember: in Australia at least, we get a greasy snag to calm our nerves on election day, if not from a polling booth, then we can fry up our own sausage-on-a-piece-of-bread comfort food in our own homes with our dearest Comrades… and it certainly helps that vegan sausages are almost universally amazing these days. I hope some of our Comrades in other lands will consider adopting this delightful election day comfort food!

It is quite a tricky food to master, so here’s a step-by-step pictorial guide…

1. Get a piece of shitty floppy soft bread. The whiter, the better. Cheap supermarket “wholemeal” bread is also acceptable providing it’s gluten-rich, soft and pliable. Do not toast it or try to do anything clever with the piece of bread. This is neither the time nor the place. The beauty of this food is in its simplicity.

bread and bonus cat

Bonus kitteh!

Optional: if you’re feeling fancy, put a spread on it: plant-based margarine. But that’s it. Don’t go any fancier than that or you’ll ruin it. No bean dips or any such nonsense. This isn’t cocktail hour at The Ritz.

2. Fry or BBQ some vegan sausages. You’ll need tongs for this. If you don’t have tongs, don’t bother. Tongs are essential, even if they’re shitty salad tongs like you see here… shameful, I know, but it’s the best I could do after moving. Tongs, mate. That’s how you turn a snag on the grill.

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3. Put the browned sausage on the bread.

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4. Tomato sauce. Do a line of it. Nothing more, nothing less.

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Okay, an optional addition: well-browned, maybe slightly-burnt fried onion, but if the political situation is dire, you might not have time for that.

5. Pick it up, rolling the bread slightly. (If you’ve toasted the bread or bought fancy sourdough like some kind of wanker, at this point you’ll be fucked as.)

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Don’t be a dickhead. There are lives at stake. Eat it while it’s hot and vote as far left as possible. “Is this left enough?” you may ask… probably not, Comrade. Got any lefter? Maintain the rage. Perhaps even break out a ouji board and try to summon a spectre to haunt Europe — the spectre of communism. You have nothing to lose but your chains.

Okay, that’s fine, you’ve been rereading Marx, we get it, quit embarrassing yourself… but what if it’s not an election day? Can I still do democracy sausages? Can I mix it up?

Well, alrighty, I suppose it’s okay to go a bit wild and add some other bits and pieces… apologies in advance for the heresy… but if you’re okay with a bit of tweaking, read on.

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Served with French fries – aka hot chips that are way too skinny – and some Asian spinach topped with sauerkraut and miscellaneous salady bits.

… and here’s where it gets really wild…

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What… what have I done?

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Oh, the horror. I can only hope that my children will forgive me some day.

Yeah, nah.

Democracy sausages are silly as hell, we all know it.

Australia, my dear, my home – free medical care* aside, you are bloody ridiculous.

🎶… For those who’ve come across the seas
We’ve boundless plains to share…
🎶
#bringthemhere
#safetyforall
*for now

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Baked beans gone wild

Vegan MoFo
Week 1: 1st-6th November 2016 Treat Yourself (and others)!
3rd: Treat yourself… to a break – What’s your “easy cook” meal? That you make when you can’t be bothered to cook much?

*puts loaf of bread on plate*

*slams down tin of beans and peels back lid*

DONE. Gourmet af.

bread loaf and tin of beans

That’s homemade gorram sourdough. If I want to eat half a loaf, I bloody well will. It’s delicious.

At this point in the process of throwing together an easy meal I get to thinking, what if I warmed up the beans and toasted the bread? That shit would be lit.

pot of beans

With the bread in the toaster and the beans warming on the stove, I realise I have some leftover pressure-cooked white beans in the fridge and I add about 1.5 cups worth to the saucepan to extend the baked beans – the sauce to beans ratio is always too damn high – and I’ve just doubled the tin for a few cents. Suck on that, Heinz.

Then I get to thinking, but if I’m having beans, surely I should have some greens as well! Beans and greens all the way, baby. So I pull this out of the fridge…

salad and pickled cabbages

Pairing kim chi with baked beans on toast is a legitimate lifestyle choice. Don’t judge me, Anglophiles.

beans and stuff

See? Look at that. Beautiful. I even went a bit fancy and fried a couple of tofu sausages I bought at the stupormarket. And again –

beans again

Glorious.

food arial view

And a bit of sauerkraut for the kids because that kim chi is peppery.

Sure, you could say a proper easy meal would be just beans on toast and not accompanied by a handful of salad, a scoop of fermented cabbage, and a splatter of balsamic, and a sausage on the side… and maybe you could also say I shouldn’t mix cuisines with quite so much reckless abandon… but you’d be wrong. Sometimes in life you have to take risks. I, too, like to live dangerously. May the force be with you. Live long and prosper. I might have had a strong cup of coffee this morning, who knows.

One starts off preparing a quick-and-easy meal always with the best of intentions, and one always lets things get out of hand… if only a little bit.

Kim chi is life. Peace out.

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